Plastic Little
Plastic Little is the subject of the 84th episode of Anime Abandon, hosted by Bennett The Sage. The episode was uploaded to That Guy With the Glasses on April 21st, 2014. Sage continues to kick back and relax by tearing apart another of Satoshi Urushihara's works, Plastic Little. Another piece that might as well be softcore porn, Plastic Little is another highly riffable piece of cheese that Bennett has some fun with. And yes, that is indeed ADV's logo you see. Episode Transcript (Anime Abandon opening 2.0) (We fade in on Sage once again kicking back, treating himself to an early summer vacation. He seems to be sipping on a martini of some kind and is wearing a loud Hawaiian shirt.) Sage: Mmm…life is just peachy… (Sage takes a sip of his drink. This is gonna be fun. Again. We cut to footage of Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer, another show Sage had fun with.) Sage (VO): In my entire run of Anime Abandon, I never hit a patch of such easy targets: fluff titles that have absolutely no impact on the viewer, yet provide endless material to riff on. Sage: I never thought life could come with cruise control, but that was when I was trying to review titles like Angel Cop and Apocalypse Zero. Now? (Cut to a shower scene with a pair of well-endowed girls, moaning with satisfaction, once again done in Satoshi Urushihara’s signature beautiful art style.) Sage: It’s like I don’t even need to be here. (Cut to a small clip of today’s subject, the as-of-yet un-introduced Plastic Little.) Sage (VO): Once again, we’re looking at the works of one Satoshi Urushihara, the embarrassingly-anointed King of Breasts. Sage: I wonder if that’s how he introduces himself at parties? “Hello, my name is Satoshi, and I draw tits so well that they call me the King of Breasts! (pause) Where are you going?” (Cut back to the anime footage) Sage (VO): Today’s feature has much in common with last episode’s Legend of Lemnear, in that they’re vapid stories that patch the holes in its plot with gazongas. It’s called Plastic Little, and no, I have no idea why it’s called that. (Cut back to Sage, holding up the DVD cover and looking at it, a bit puzzled.) Sage: Legend of Lemnear I get, but…Plastic Little? Isn’t that like after-party at Spago’s? (Cut back to the film with…a bath scene!) Sage (VO): In fact, the show has so many tit shots, ADV had no choice but to invent and trademark the Jiggle Counter: a DVD bonus feature that counts how many times the jubblies jubble! Sage: At that point, ADV should’ve just thrown their hands in the air and go ahead and licensed porn! Then again…that would mean that there’d be hentai out there voiced by Tiffany Grant. (Cut to an Evangelion hentai where Asuka is ostensibly having sex through her plugsuit. The pleasure-wracked moaning is interrupted by our favorite clip of The Office with Steve Carrell screaming “NO, PLEASE GOD, NO!” We cut back to Plastic Little, and more action from Censor Kaiser.) Sage (VO): It’s almost sad how well-animated and designed Plastic Little is. All this effort, all this attention to detail…all for glorified spank material that doesn’t even have the goddamn common courtesy to actually be porn. Sage: It has all of the inanity of porn, but none of what actually makes porn porn. It’d be like having a battle-ax girlfriend that looks like Michael Moore. (Cut to a scene from the show that…isn’t laced with exposed boobies? Aww…) Sage (VO): At least the voice acting has the good grace to be as awkward as prom night in the back of your mom’s station wagon. Man: Elysse…take this escape pod up to the city levels. Elysse: What is it you’re going to do?! Man: I’ll be right behind! There’s not much time! Please, get inside Elysse! Elysse: Yes… Sage: This is totally my natural voice! And not just a no-name voice actor trying to do a bad Liam Neeson impression! (Cut to the show) Sage (VO): Looks like Pop-Pop here is saying his tearful goodbye to his daughter before sending her out into the great unknown…like she were Vash…or Gene…or Moses. It looks like this tearful goodbye will be cut short as daddy is confronted by—''(cut off by “PFFFFTTT” laughing, as we see a ridiculously-dressed dude in black. Sage is trying to regain control as we cut back to him.)'' Sage: If this guy was aiming for threatening, he couldn’t possibly have missed the target more! He looks like the Dark Helmet version of The Juggernaut! (Cut to an overdubbed scene with Sage talking like a disabled kid, lisp and all) Sage (VO): Mah mam sayth I hafth to wear dis helmet because of mah scoliothith! (Cut to a different scene where a twin-tailed girl is waking up) Sage (VO): We cut to our heroine waking up from a reverie. If you’re wondering what she’s doing here, don’t worry! She’ll explain! Tita (sleepily): Where am I? Oh, that’s right…''(yawns)'' the Cha-Cha Maru’s still undergoing repairs in the shipyard so we’re staying in this hotel… Sage: Who the fuck are you talking to?! (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): Does she just routinely say everything that pops into her head?! And why does she have to talk in that voice that sounds like Bobby Hill if he was kicked in the nuts? Tita: Mei? Nichol! Mikhail? (singsong) Balboa, Roger? Sage: Aw, nuts. Now I feel bad for making fun of her. It’s obvious that she has Tourette’s…not even the fun kind, either. (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): Captain Tourette’s here realizes that her crew has left her ass in the hotel room, and we get an earful of what they sound like. Balboa: How’s it going up there? Mikhail (in a bad Russian accent): I’m just about finished, how about you, Balboa? Balboa: Oh, I’d say about another day or two. Mikhail: By the way, have you seen that idiot, Roger? Balboa: No. Roger (sleeping in a chair): Oh, Nichol…I’m starving to death… Nichol: Yeah, this is dumb. It’s way past lunchtime already… Roger: Oh…I’m going to waste away right here… Nichol: Aw, not even you can starve that fast. (Sage stares blankly into the camera, the voice acting grating on his nerves already.) Sage: I just realized…''(raises martini glass and looks at his beverage)'' there isn’t enough rum in this drink… (Cut back to the film) Sage (VO): Also, I think I recognize that dweeb in the pink hair… Roger: Oh, she wouldn’t, huh? And just how do you know that, Nichol? Nichol: Well—uh—because…you know…because I just know, that’s how! (Cut to a scene of Shinji Ikari. It’s our good friend Spike Spencer as Nichol!) Shinji: I’m a coward! I’m dishonest! And sneaky…and a wimp… (Cut back to a disappointed-looking Sage as he’s glancing over at his glass) Sage: Yep…definitely not enough rum…''(takes a sip and we cut back to the show)'' Sage (VO): The plot finally starts when the living wisp here runs into Captain Tourette’s fixing Kaneda’s bike. It looks like Wispy is in a heap of trouble, and the Captain just can’t abide by this. (As Elysse is restrained by…the Gestapo, apparently, Tita jumps into her bike, springing into action!) Tita: Those jerks! (Tita powers her bike up and growls, backing into the cops) Sage (as Tita): Oh shit, I didn’t think this through! Sage: I love how the Captain here sprung into action, knowing next to nothing about what’s going on. It could very well be that the police are chasing after a criminal, and she just rescued the most adorable little arsonist! (Cut back to the show as a chase scene ensues. The police fire on Tita’s bike, and she takes some shots. Her bike starts to smoke, and…) Tita: NOOO!! (The bike explodes and we get a nice Looney Tunes reference. “That’s all, Folks!” is plastered diagonally across the screen, as “The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down” plays in the background before being suddenly cut off. Smash cut back to Sage) Sage: I said the review was gonna be easy, but not that easy! (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): No, the two girls spit in the face of reality and are all right, making their way to the Captain’s aquatic ship. Nichol: Something must’ve happened to her! There’s no way Tita could be this late! The hotel said she left before noon! Roger: Aw, it’s probably just a guy! Nichol: Huh? Wha—uhh… Roger: That’s all! She’s probably enjoying carnal bliss with some good-looking stud while we, her loyal crew, starve to death. Sage: At this point, I don’t think this guy’s even speaking English. No one talks like that! (Cut back to the same scene) Nichol: Ah—shut up! There’s no way my Tita would abandon our crew for some other guy! Sage: Is Pinky here from Napa Valley? Because he sure does love his whine! (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): Also, this guy’s name is Nichol (Pronounced like the female’s name)!? Didn’t think it was possible for Spike Spencer to play a character whose parents hate him more than Shinji, but I stand corrected! It looks like Wispy here took a round, and needs some medical attention. Mei: Tita, I think you should take your friend down to the bathing area. Sage: Or a homoerotic bath scene! Christ, where did this doctor get her degree from, Saint Ogenki’s University? (Cut to the bath scene, with LOTS of Censor Kaiser 2.0 action) Sage (VO): Well, this is what you paid for, folks! You want a disturbing amount of detail in the breast-jiggling, you go to Urushihara, or you FUCK OFF! Apparently, this bathhouse of theirs—on a submarine ship, mind you—has water slides, and gigantic teapots to splash around in! (Cut to a scene from Tenchi Universe) The bathhouse in Tenchi was more believable than this! At least that was housed in the Negative Zone! Sage: It’d be like if on the Enterprise, they not only had a holodeck, but a baseball stadium! (Cut back to the show where Tita and Elysse are apparently comparing breast sizes) Tita: Hey, just exactly how old are you? You could at least tell me that, couldn’t you?! Elysse: I’m—I’m 16 and a half! (Cut back to a wide-eyed Sage. He’s in trouble…and then we cut back to the same scene) Tita: Sixteen and a…''(trails off as she turns to look at her own chest)'' but…I’m a whole year older than that and I don’t…I…''(starts sobbing)'' Awww…I’m so depressed! I’ll never—''(cut off by Sage, who is directing his cameraman off-screen)'' Sage: Go to commercial! I don’t care if we’re only 10 minutes into the anime, cut to commercial—''(static, and then a Test Screen as we fade into our commercial break.)'' (We pop back in from commercial with Sage on the phone with…who is assumed to be his lawyer.) Sage: Moishi, you—you’re not hearing me. I’m covering up their tits, yeah, but I’ve got the DVD on my fucking shelf! I’m basically recording my own damning evidence right now! You know, possession’s like, nine-tenths of the law or whatever shit! I thought they taught you that at whatever fuck lawyer school you went to! (Sage pauses and rolls his eyes.) Sage: (audibly sighs) God, what the fuck am I even paying you for? Can you protect my ass, or not? (Sage is not pleased. He’s gonna have to resort to drastic measures…) Sage: OK. You better figure out a way out of all of this, or I make a little call to Nana, explaining that her adorable little Moishi had to miss Passover this year, because he was too busy helping a scumbag client SHAFT HIS EX ON ALIMONY!! (Short pause) Oh, you only think you know how much I know about that! You’d be surprised how much you talk on Grapa! Hell, why don’t I double down and explain to the California Bar that the last vacation you went on was paid in full by your partner’s slush fund!? (It worked. Sage is finally pleased) Sage: Now that…is the tone I want to hear. Send me a “get out of jail free” card with a big ol’ wet kiss, and we can put this all behind us! (Short pause, the deed having been done) Thank you. Shalom. (Sage hangs up and looks back into the camera, pretty satisfied) Sage: Heh. Lawyers. (Cut back to the show, sans the rest of the bath scene) Sage (VO): So, after the girls do some things that my attorney advises against me showing, the rest of Captain Tourette’s crew find out that Wispy is the daughter of some bigwig scientist, and she has been reported dead. And, according to the newspaper, this planet must be inhabited by Russians, which would explain why half the crew have horrible Russian accents…but doesn’t explain why the other half doesn’t… Mei: The girl in the photograph…?   Mikhail: Yes. She’s the girl who’s supposed to be dead. And the military’s involved, as well. Am I the only one who smells something nasty? Sage: You’re a swarthy old Russian dude who probably hasn’t seen a bar of soap since the ‘50s. I’m surprised you can smell anything! (More implied lesbianism as we cut to a scene of Elysse curled up in bed with Tita. The girls are wearing nothing but nightshirts and their panties.) Sage (VO): Also, what the hell is up with Captain Tourette’s and Wispy’s relationship? First the Captain feels her up to compare breast sizes, they sleep together, and they go on romantic drives to watch the sunrise. They’ve known each other for half a day at most, and now they’re— (Smash cut back to Sage) Sage: Wait! Forgot I was talking about the King of Breasts, here. I’d be surprised if there weren’t lesbian overtones. (Cut back to the sunrise scene) Elysse: Gorgeous…I’ve never seen such a beautiful sunrise! Tita: Ain’t it great? C’mon, let’s go have breakfast now! I could eat a cloud whale! Sage: Well, excuse me if I sound ignorant, but…a cloud whale. Is that bigger or smaller than an Octorok? (Cut to the breakfast scene) Sage (VO): Now that they’ve driven together, slept together, and bathed together, it’s only natural for the two girls’ relationship to be taken to the next level: heavy-handed intimacy! Tita: One day when I was about six, he went out to sea and he never came back again. There was an accident. There was a major malfunction. My dad saved the rest of the crew by jettisoning the engineering section, with himself into it. He vanished into the Sea of Clouds. Mikhail and the others helped me search for almost a year…''(sighs)'' we never did find any trace of him… Sage (VO): Their (sarcastically) ''not-at-all stilted moment is brought crashing down when Jugger-helmet’s troops come a-knockin’. Tita: Lousy bastards! Elysse: Tita! Listen to me! One week ago there was a terrible accident! The Gravity Belt research lab at the base of the colony! That’s what the papers said, anyway! In actuality a weapon, which had been attached to the— Tita: Look, can’t you tell me about this later?! Elysse: No, I’ve got to tell you now! Sage ''(as Elysse): If I don’t tell you now, then no one in the audience will know what the hell is going on! Elysse: As you know— (Quick cut back to Sage) Sage: Apparently, she doesn’t know because you’re gonna tell her anyway! Christ, could this exposition be any more transparent? Her dialogue might as well be on a text crawl! (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): She goes on and on about Jugger-helmet’s plan to turn the city’s Gravity Belt into a weapon, which he needs for world domination, and then about the fate of her father. And of course, Tourette’s links this with her own dad’s demise, and the anime drives straight on into Yu-Gi-Oh! territory. Tita: …and because you’re my friend, I won’t let you give yourself up! Elysse: Huh? Tita: I swear I’ll protect you, Elysse! Elysse: But, Tita… (Before Elysse can say anything else, Tita drives straight on into a car that randomly pulls out into the back road. The bike explodes…again…and just like the first time, we get “That’s All, Folks!” plastered across the screen, but Sage knows better this time.) Sage: Up-up-up! Fool me once, shame on you. (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): Yup, she’s all right…again…but Jugger-helmet’s men have them surrounded! (Jugger-helmet picks up Tita by the scruff of her neck and issues an ultimatum) JH: Elysse, tell me now, or your friend will die. (It seems that Elysse won’t get the chance, as Jugger-helmet shoots Tita seven times in the stomach, and she collapses to the ground like a sack of bricks.) Elysse: Tita!! TITA!! JH: Be quiet. Sage: Huh. Maybe I should’ve held back on that Looney Tunes callback joke… (Quick cut back to the same scene) JH: That hunter’s suit should’ve kept the bullets from penetrating too far, but what about internal damage, Elysse? Sage: Oh, fuck you, you blasted her torso open with the biggest gat you could find, and she only has internal damage? Does this chick have Life-3 cast on her?! (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): Wispy makes a deal for Tourette’s life to unlock the seal her father put on the weapon, but she’s double-crossed just as quickly as the deal was made. Luckily, one of Tourette’s crewmen crashes the party and saves them…but not before Jugger-helmet gets a lock of Wispy’s hair, and thus a means to unlock the seal. But enough of that, time for more creepy fanservice! (We see the nurse, Mei, working on Tita’s stomach wounds, but of course we get some not-quite tasteful breasts in the frame) Mei (relieved sigh): It’s over. She’s gonna be ok. None of her internal organs were ruptured. Sage: God, what kind of asshole would nut over a teenage girl being hospitalized in bed? (Realizing what he just said) Waait… (Cut back to the show and a very flustered-looking Nichol) Nichol: Mei? Is Tita… Mei: Shhh, Tita’s fine, Nichol. She’s sleeping now. Keep an eye on her for me. Sage: No! You fool! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!! Nichol: Thank you! Mei: Call me if anything happens! Nichol: Right! (Cut to Sage with…oh dear god…white stuff on his hand, obviously mocking a similar scene from End of Evangelion) Sage (whispers): That’s so fucked up! (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): Meanwhile, the rest of the crew sizes up the situation they’ve found themselves in. Balboa: This whole thing is just too big! What happened to Tita could happen to the rest of us! We hunt animals for a living, Mikhail. We’re not cops or soldiers. We’d never be able to survive a real military confrontation. Sage (sarcastically): Oh yeah, you’re just simple hunters who happen to have missile-launching fighter jets and bulletproof armor. How will you ever defend yourselves?! (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): And what kind of a hunter needs all of that shit anyways? What do you hunt, Reb Browns?! Jesus, even Ted Nugent would tell you to lighten the loadout! So, it’s no surprise when the captain wakes up, she’s determined to strike back and hauls the crew to Jugger-helmet’s base. In true Star Trek form, she goes off by herself to infiltrate the base, but brings Wispy along with her. Sage: The heading off on her own bit I get, but what the fuck does she expect Wispy to do?! She’d break her arm in half from the recoil if she fired a pea shooter! (Cut back to the show) Tita: This is no good! There’s no way we can get any closer to the control room with all of this security. Elysse: That’s it! In the gravity reactor section there are emergency sub-panels every 150 feet! We can disengage it from there! Tita: Can we get there? Elysse: Through the main ventilation ducts! Sage: She brings her along…so that she can tell her to sneak into the air ducts to infiltrate the emergency control room. That’s like if Otacon had to join Snake just so he could tell him to eat rations to restore his health. (Cut back to the show) Soldier 1: Commence sequence! Soldier 2: Lord Geisel! We’re about to finish inputting the password, sir! JH: Excellent. As soon as it’s ready, set the parameters to the city levels. Soldier 3: Yes, sir. JH: What’s the status on those meddling intruders? Sage: (Finishing a laugh) God, you can practically hear the voice actor’s fingers wiggle when he says (wiggles fingers) “meddling intruders!” (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): Jugger-helmet seems spry to their plan and heads them off at what looks like the reactor room on the Death Star. But, through some pretty impressive bullshit, the Captain manages to knock all of Jugger-helmet’s guards down, and takes him down too before his weapon kills everyone. JH: You have a gun, how very humorous!   (Helmet shoots a wire out of his hand that pierces Tita’s, forcing her to drop her gun. Tita races forward and grabs her gun, but is put in a chokehold by Helmet.) JH: (Laughs) Little girl, how could you have hoped to overcome me? (Quick cut back to Sage) Sage: She still! Has! The gun, asshole! (Cut back to the show) JH: You have four seconds to live. Three (looks over at Elysse), two… Tita: One! Zero! (Fires gun at Helmet’s head and kills him. Sage bursts out laughing as the scene finishes, and we cut back to him.) Sage: Worst! Villain death! Ever! (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): I mean that with all sincerity! I have never seen the big baddie of a story being taken out so incompetently! Sage: And yet, there are still ten minutes left to this train wreck. Looks like Plastic Little still has some bullshit up its sleeve! (Cut back to the show) Sage (VO): And I’m proven immediately right. As the crew set off the escape the base, and entire fleet of ships comes out of nowhere to stop them, being helmed by some commander we have never seen before. Guys! The anime is over! Why are you dragging this shit out longer than you need to?! Sage: Oh, I’ll tell you why. It’s so they can have the most ridiculous, off-the-wall ending fight scene I have ever seen in anime. They escape into a convenient nearby storm of whirlpools to hide themselves, from an entire fleet of ships…and THIS…is what happens. (Cut to the scene in question) Tita: We’re lined up on the axis! Count down five seconds! Commander: FIRE! Tita: Four! Three! Two! One! FIRE!! (As the Cha-Cha Maru fires its Wave Motion Gun, we get a giant on-screen caption, flashing red and white, that says “'ULTIMATE BULLSHIT ACHIEVED',” while “Runnin’ in the 90’s" plays in the background. We cut back to a wide-eyed Sage, who, after a pause, starts clapping wildly.) Sage: YEEEEEEEEEESSSS!!!! (Cut back to the scene in question) Sage (VO, shouting): MOST! BULLSHIT FINAL BATTLE! EVER!! THIS ONE HUNTING SHIP—THAT IS APPARENTLY NOT EQUIPPED TO TAKE ON MILITARY SHIPS—JUST WIPED OUT THE ENTIRE MILITARY WITH ONE FELL SWOOP!! THE FUCK WAS THAT CREWMAN TALKING ABOUT?! THEY COULD’VE TAKEN OUT FUCKING GOD WITH THAT CANNON OF THEIRS!! WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST FIRE THAT THING OFF TO BEGIN WITH AND TAKE OUT THE BASE?! Sage (laughing in disbelief, still): Fuck you! (flips the screen the bird) You insane, glorious bastards! Fuck you! (Cut back to a scene from the end of the show) Sage (VO): What a note to go out on, this show is a gem of pure schlock! It is concentrated, hardened, calcified shit, pressed into a jewel, and adorned on the crown of so-bad-it’s-good anime. There is not a moment of this anime where you feel bad, or bored, or angry. It is cheese of the highest caliber. If you’re not afraid of the looks you’ll get buying something with underage tits in it, then by all means, get this shit, and get it now. It belongs in the pantheon of terrible anime! (Cut back to Sage for the last time, as he blows kisses to the Plastic Little DVD case.) Sage: Mwah! Mwah! Masterpiece! No other word for it! MWWWWWAHHH!! Mmm!    (Sage puts the DVD case down. Looks like the fun’s about to end.)   Sage: Well, this month has been very kind to me, but…it looks like the milk of human kindness has soured because up next, I close out a series of anime that has never failed…to piss me off. (Sage sighs and holds up next episode’s subject: the Love Hina Spring Special. Oh boy.) Sage: ’Til next time. Footage and Sound Provided By *Plastic Little *Tenchi Universe *Looney Tunes *The Office *Neon Genesis Evangelion *Voltage Fighter Gowcaizer Category:Bennett the Sage Episodes Category:Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides